Narrow vision

Warning: This is a vent. I have been stewing for a few days and now that I am stuck on a plane for a few hours going home to see my boys I am stewing more and need/want to get this out. This is not about Kel or cancer, per se, just about how ‘stuck in their world view’ I have recently found a former friend to be.

Background: Before the newest of a series of cancer diagnoses, Kel and I were on Nutrisystem together and doing very well. We had each lost ~20 lbs in 8 or so weeks and were proud. His diet, of course, went out the window because eating 1400 calories a day of veggies and NS meals just doesn’t help the psyche when dealing with cancer. Comfort food does.

I did ok for the next few months. I don’t have the willpower to stay on NS alone, but I managed to lose a little more, provided my father wasn’t in town (see notes about the ridiculous deliciousness of ca-pie-kes.) But I am losing ground, and with the most recent bouts of chemo and knowing there is more therapy, I am reverting to comfort food and chocolate-y chip cookie goodness.

Nothing wrong with that, I know.

Not something to focus on now, I know.

But at the same time, I don’t want to undo the good pre-cancer … I kind of don’t want cancer to win my weight loss battle, ya know?

Cutting to the chase: I have a friend (mostly virtual/online, although we did meet a few years ago with a slew of other women going through similar non-cancer related stuff) who is a fitness buff. She has been through a lot and perseveres and I mainly find her attitude and motivation … well, motivating. So I reached out and asked this person for motivation (man, I need another word here – 3 times in 2 sentences? Oy) not for working out but for help with willpower to not eat cookies and just do better.

Her response? Cookies don’t help with stress (but wine does) – lift a barbell. Ummm, ok, but missing the point.

Now, I do believe that she has no idea what the source of worry and stress is in my life, and that is fine – I don’t expect everyone to follow my every move throughout life. I am not that special or noteworthy … I only expect most people to follow me. Just kidding.

Ok, so I wrote something back publically and then sent a private note explaining that between the teaching and working, David, the new upcoming job, wrapping up the current job and …. oh, yeah, that pesky cancer-crap, that increasing workout time wasn’t in the cards. I get to teach a self-defense seminar now and then, and maybe after the semester is over I can get to the dojo once a month to hit things, but overall, increasing beyond some walks – to quote GW, Sr – wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture. However, I can control eating better. Then I again asked, if she had the time, for some motivation (ok, seriously going to thesaurus another word … how about inspiration or incentive) inspiration to help keep me on my toes.

And I get … nothing. Nothing for days. Not even a baloney, full of platitude, I didn’t know about Kel, I am so sorry. Nada. Actually, I specifically get ignored and see notes about ‘if you aren’t willing to change your life for healthy then I can’t help you’, not specifically about me, really, but still there.

So, I de-friended said person, and stew. And vent. And stew. And with nothing to do on a plane (except write an exam in a minute) I prep a blog about it.

I feel better now, thanks.

Report about Kel: I don’t know, actually. I have been out of town since he started this chemo cycle. I checked in on him each day and got his report and my father’s report, but I really know nothing. He sounded ok yesterday, terrible on Friday, and ok on Saturday. He is sleeping a lot, which is good. He will be infused through late Monday night and should be released to go home on Tuesday. If/when he goes into work this week will depend on the post-chemo days.

The sux for today/the past few days is vented about above, but for more:

Not being in town for Kel’s first cycle with this no chemo was not fun for me. Being in Rochester was nice especially to see family and friends that ARE family, and although I didn’t make it onto the UR campus for a trip down nostalgia lane, the meeting went well (including my talk which went REALLY well). However, I was not a happy camper having to call to hear how home was going.

The next trip I take will be on an off-chemo week, and I will give myself less of a guilt-trip.

Yeah, right, who am I kidding. I will still guilt myself. It’s genetic – I learned it from my mother, and her mother and my father’s mother … although they really sent other’s on guilt trips, not so much themselves. Hmmmm… I will have to work on that.

(It is now many hours later than I wrote this, so I will write a second blog about Kel now)

Tracy