Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Not much brewing

I know I said I would try to write once a week, but for some reason I have been avoiding it. I guess it is because I simultaneously have nothing to say and a lot to think about. I must have a lot to think about - I can't fall asleep at night lately. My mind won't stop, and it isn't (all) cancer-stuff, most is just random nonsense.

This is what happens when I don't really have tv, apparently. That and a LOT of painting my nails different and crazy colors/patterns. :) Have to entertain myself somehow, right?

New work is going well - slow going to set up a lab and actually fill it with stuff, but it is moving along. I am organizing an 'elective' to offer pharmacy students, and I am trying to put together a 'Oncology 101 - Fundamentals of Cancer Biology'. Before they can understand the meds, they have to understand the disease ... well, as well as any of us can understand it. I won't teach it until next academic year (if it even fills with students), but I look forward to educating.

I am also setting up the second incarnation of my mother's memorial effort, this time at Ole Miss, and renaming it the 'Cancer Really Sux Memorial fund' - well, that is if they allow the word 'sux' in something like this. :) If I ever manage to make any profit on the shirts/mugs/etc, this is where the money will be donated. I need to figure out how to market those ... suggestions welcome! I am a scientist, not savvy in business models.

For cancer sucking - not much is going on with Kel, which is actually really difficult to deal with (for us all). Physically, he is fine, and even back to full duty.

But there is a sense of dread with the wait and see approach, especially with (at best) 50/50 odds of cure/recurrence. We both know we should be grabbing hold of the remission and holding on with all our might, but in this case trying to put on blinders to the possibilities isn't prudent. And the waiting feels like if a few cells have escaped, this is just giving them time to grow and take hold again. Heck - I think Kel wants to do the tandem transplant thing 'just to be sure'. Wouldn't happen - WAY to dangerous to try for that reason, but the sitting and doing nothing is hard.

David and I (and Dad) will be back in Tucson for Kel's next bloodwork results in 2.5 weeks, and then it will be wait another month, then another month, etc. So this anxiety will slowly increase over the next 2 weeks, then abate (we assume/hope/pray), then rise - repeat (hopefully) ad nauseum.

At least it is a good excuse to travel to Kel, right?

On the Mississippi homefront, all is calm - David is doing very well in his new school and learning his letters really well. I think he is aching to learn to read, because he is always asking me what something says and telling me the letters and asking me what the word is. So, we are trying to work on sounding things out - not sure if that is the right way to teach him, but we are making progress, I think. The ticks are back (they abated for a bit) with the weather getting warmer, but I gave Saja an anti-tick bath last night, so hopefully that should help. I got a rake to clean up the leaves in the yard too, since I am sure they are contributing to the problem.

Hmmmm, I said I would be positive, right? I have been reading old posts and old facebook entries and I really have focused on the Sux more than the doesn't suck ...



Well, being apart SUX, waiting for cancer to rear its ugly head SUX, the emotional toll this is still managing to take SUX.

Tomorrow is 12 weeks post-RPLND surgery and Kel is recovering well - that DOESN'T suck. Him being back on full duty and getting to be a cop again DOESN'T suck, me getting to develop a course to educate others about cancer DOESN'T suck ... Oh, David being really, really awesome in his new school and getting settled here DOESN'T suck, and having friends and family that almost 9 months later still put up with my whiny posts and care how we are doing DOESN'T suck.

There. That list is a little more positive than not, right?

It is getting close to midnight, and I need to get more than last night's 5 hours, so shutting down the computer now - good night!

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