Thursday, June 2, 2011

It's all quiet on the western front

It is a quiet night here in the Brooks house. Rachel and Butch are asleep, exhausted from the emotional toll and unknowns this week. Kel is in the hospital getting chemo, but he was too tired for a visit from us tonight, so we haven't seen him since ~3pm, and David didn't see Daddy all day.

It is just me and Saja in my bed, and a big empty space where I wish I could hold on to Kel.

Ooops, should have warned you ... not doing well tonight, gonna be all gloomy and depressing, this would be the 'venting and whining' section for today's post. I did post earlier today (below) about how Kel is and the plan.

So back to all quiet on the western front ... it is quiet, just the fan is making noise. And all I want to do is scream from the roof top at the top of my lungs:



Scratch that ....


Really, Really, Really hate it. Stubborn stupid ignorant angry cancer.

Not responding to chemo cancer. Not acting like it should cancer. Not dying cancer.

I hate you, cancer.

Ok, writing that helped, cause screaming would wake up the house, and no one needs that.

So, as you can probably tell, not a happy day. Kel is getting his second round of salvage therapy today/over the next 5 days because there is little downside (you know ... other than the crappy side effects of chemo. I am chastising myself, because really, how can I call that little downside??) to it. We have to wait until later in the month to get a consultation with the world's expert in Indianapolis, need to be sure that the chemo isn't doing anything before moving onto the tandem transplant, and not doing anything will ensure that the tumor grows. So ... we (and by we, I mean Kel) are trying another round. Why the f#$k not?

The good side ... David was good at school, although still complaining of an icky tummy :( He had his second swim class and other than being stubborn (proclaiming, 'no, I don't want to' when asked to put his face under water) did well. He had a good night, watched a Scooby Doo and went to bed late.

Kel started chemo at ~2 or 2:30, finally, and had a nice visit with some of TPDs finest, in shifts, before that. Please, for those who want, really, visit him as often as you can or want. It is good for his spirits and his boredom.

I am in a crappy mood tonight, missing Kel, hating cancer, and struggling to contain it all to be completely honest, so I will end with a 'Doesn't suck", because Kel told me I always have to end on a sux/not sux note and there was already enough 'sux' above.

Hmmmmm, what doesn't suck?

Ok, when I step out of my "down and all about sucking cancer" world that is easy ...

Loving, supportive, try to do whatever we need to help family and friends DON'T suck. We are so fortunate to be surrounded both locally and around the country and world by so many who care and want to be here for Kel and David and I, and I am grateful. Kel's best friend is back in NY and told me he just wants to jump in his truck and start driving here tonight (we love you, Tim), but is already planning a trip for later this month and I told him to stick with his plan. Kel's friends at work are so wonderful in offering to help with whatever we need. My friends help so much with playdates and meals and ears to listen and shoulders to lean on (virtual and physical all included there). And Kel's and my families ... wow, I don't know what we would do without the love and support that pours out of them all.

So I will back out of my bad mood just long enough to say:
Thank you.

Now I crawl back into my pit ... at least for tonight.


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