Round 2, Day 1

Back in the game today with chemo. It was supposed to start at 1:30, but it was a bit later ... closer to 2:30.

Kel did pretty well. He said he dozed off an on, mostly listened to music on the Nano and relaxed. The day ran a bit later than we expected, so we had to hightail it out of there to grab David and for me to get to teaching.

Kel even ate dinner tonight post-chemo! Did well ... had a few pieces of leftover pizza and some puddings. Good job! Let's see how his weight is tomorrow. Officially at his weigh-in today he was down ~11 lbs from the start of chemo. Grrrr, I am only down 3 lbs since he started. He is such a cheater! j/k, of course.

David and Kel had the night together - just the boys. David was not so good at school today - a bit of confusing his love of being 'Spiderman' with being evil (punching, pushing, etc), so no iPad for him and no tv, but he and Kel did well. They had a lot of talks about good Spiderman vs Bad guys, so hopefully that will sink in tomorrow at school?

On the surface, both Kel and I are doing ok. Working through all of this. Just don't ask us about sleeping. Kel can't sleep through the night very well - can't stop his mind from racing. I sleep alright, but my dreams are not very positive - I already detailed the loss of a fight. I also had a dream about not being able to fly out another of Kel's family members (this time we were trying to bring out his sister Rachel ... in my dream), and another about not making the short list for the job in Omaha. (I haven't heard anything from them yet ... just being negative in my dreams about everything).

Things that suck: time. It moves too slow when you need it to go faster and too fast when you need it to slow down. My class started 45 minutes late tonight, and we were racing to get home so I could go. And on the flip side, I am sure time dragged on for Kel while he was waiting for day 1 of round 2 to start since it was late.

Another things that sucks are Kel's veins. He is apparently HARD to get an i.v. into. He has noticeably thick skin, 'sludgy' blood (as he was told today), and a tendency to shunt his blood to his core and away from his arms when poked and missed. Today was the worst for him - it was 3 pokes before they got the i.v. line in. Most days it is only 2, but Kel is a pin cushion! Hopefully tomorrow will go better, and he will leave in the i.v. from tomorrow night through Wednesday morning to avoid these problems again.

Nothing else to report, so goodnight!

Tracy

A rambling homage (not about Kel)

Today’s post isn’t about Kel – he is doing ok and the next round starts tomorrow. I will post about how he is doing all week, I promise.

Today is exactly one year since my mother passed away – somewhere between 7 and 8pm PCT. This is a rambling remembrance of Dena Sharon Baker David, born 7/31/49: wife, mother, and friend to all.

My mother was many things in her life. She was a student, a teacher, a tutor, and I am sure many more that I do not know. After she passed away I found her diary from 1966-1968-ish, so I can add that she was also a boy crazy teenager then. It is kind of fun to read actually – and on the last page she lists meeting my father on 10/11/68 at a Brandeis Mixer. Dad, it looks like you won her heart over a whole host of other boys – I counted at least 12 or 13.

Mom could make a friend of anyone she met, and, to my frequent embarrassment, she would try to do so wherever we were. If we were in a line at the supermarket – she would strike up a conversation with anyone within ear shot. At a gas station 1000 miles from anyone we knew? There she was, talking again and making everyone feel like they had been friends forever. I was always embarrassed by my ‘nosy’ mother growing up, but I saw later in life how she wasn’t being nosy (ok, well, sometimes she was), she just loved people and sharing stories. Mom was quite the story teller too, and talented with making real life into a tall tale.

Although she had two kids born to her, she had far more than just Jon and I that considered her a mother. She lent an unjudging ear to any in need, a house to crash in when needed, and a safe haven for all. Long after Jon and I had left the house and even started our own families, she would keep in touch with her other ‘kids’ and keep track of how her extended family was doing. She knew what was going on with many of my former friends better than I did.

My mother wasn’t perfect, as none of us are. She had her downfalls too – I already mentioned the embarrassment she caused her daughter as she would talk to all. She was also a terrible singer. I mean terrible. Ok, she could sing one note alright, and as long as the song was monotone in that one note she wouldn’t hurt your ears … But she tried. And I think if it wasn’t for my laughing at her, she would have tried more. For some reason, David LOVED hearing Nana sing. Tone deaf and off key, his favorite song was ‘Wheels on the bus’. She could never remember the words to songs either – so imagine an off key, words wrong, rendition of … hmmm, anything really. But David loved her to sing, and when she forgot the words, she would just be creative. I think I mentioned the ‘Porn’ on the bus already. But she tried. And for her kids, or her grandkids, or her friends, or her husband, she would never stop trying. Not just singing, but anything we needed – she was there.

I can’t believe it has been a year already that she is gone. She and I talked everyday, and I miss that. I miss my mommy when I am sick, and I miss her when I could use some venting about parenting, and I miss her kvetching that I do too much and need a break, and I miss hearing her and seeing her and hugging her and kissing her. She was only 60 years old when she died – old enough to live a good life, but far too young for it to end.

It was David’s birthday when she was diagnosed with stage 4 (i.e. metastasized and aggressive) endometrial cancer. A day of celebration here in Tucson, until Dad finally reached me. Even though she only had a prognosis of a few months, mom lived for 21 months. And the majority of it was good. She laughed a lot, cried a lot, and got to love a lot. David and Danelle and Steven got to spend time with their grandmother, and I am so grateful that David got to know and adore her. He may not remember later in life, but I will.

And we with her on that fateful day in January. Family and friends made it in from far and wide. Mom waited until Jon came in, and even in her delirium she recognized him and raised her hand to hold his. And then she waited until Jon and Dad and Kel and David and I left to grab some dinner. While Martha and Pookie stayed with her, she slipped away. Her pain taken away, and her memories with us forever, Dena Sharon Baker David was gone from this world.

We will love you always mom.

Ok day

Today is short, because I waited too long to write this and I am tired.

Kel did well today. He slept last night, was at work all day, and we even went out to dinner and stuff tonight. He is asleep again, and was in a little pain tonight, but nothing too bad.

Tomorrow will be a long day of just Daddy and David. I teach in the am and then teach self-defense all afternoon ... Have to earn David's karate tuition. ;) Not really, but the owner does take special care of David in the karate class (otherwise he is too young with too little of an attention span for karate), and I will be teaching for him tomorrow. I heard that we will be having ~20 students - wow! Should be a hopping day. Or a butt kicking day.

Maybe being able to actually beat something up (we have fully padded muggers in this class) will help with my dream?

Nothing special to say sux tonight, other than that Kel is pretty cold all of the time. Maybe it is his bald head?

I have a dream

No, not the Martin Luther King Jr kind - I am not that amazing.

To be more specific, I have had a recurring dream lately. And for some reason - and both Kel and I have noticed this - I (we) am (are) remembering my (our) dreams more vividly. This is not a hard one to figure out it's meaning, definitely no Freudian mind needed, but I thought I would share.

First, for those who know Kel, and not me per se, I have been doing martial arts and generally butt kicking for a while - a little over 10 years. That has diminished since adopting David, but I do still teach a self-defense course once in a while (including on this coming Saturday). This is relevant, I promise (well, not the Saturday bit).

In my dream I am being attacked by some unknown, unnamed assailant. Someone pretty strong. And they are beating me up. I think the 'how' varies - punching, strangling, something along those lines.

I try to fight back. I try my darned hardest to kick butt like I know how to do. And in real life I am pretty strong and a pretty good butt kicker. But in this dream, all I can do is basically b*$ch slap my attacker as I get my butt kicked. Hard. Nothing I do stops the attacks. I am completely ineffective and useless.

Like I said, not hard to figure this one out, right? Clearly the attacker is cancer - Kel's in particular, or Tahoe's, or mom's just to cover this past year, or all cancer ... your choice. And obviously I feel like I am doing nothing and getting no where despite any an all skills/knowledge I have. Clear as day, got it. But it is an exhausting dream! Really, I wake up spent from losing an imaginary fight that takes all I have.

I told Kel this dream tonight and he said to give my attacker a ox jaw to the throat. Not sure what that is, but I will see what I can do.

The last round of chemo for this first cycle REALLY knocked Kel for a loop. He had the exhaustion again - and like Christy commented the other day - the words 'fatigue' and 'exhaustion' just don't seem to encompass what chemo does. He probably slept for 15+ hours again, although on top of it this time he felt like he had the flu with aches and chills and the works. It was a little better by later yesterday afternoon, which was good because he had to watch David (or, at least supervise David playing on the iPad) while I taught.

Unfortunately with all of that sleeping during Tuesday night and most of Wednesday morning there was barely any sleep last night. But he went to work today (took yesterday off) and pushed through being tired. I think he is asleep now - I haven't checked on him too much (been working and trying to give him some peace and quiet). Hopefully he can reset his schedule.

Cycle 1 officially ends this weekend. Then he starts it all again on Monday. Cycle 2 will be chemo daily from 1/31 - 2/4, then again on the 8th and the 15th. See Ahmann again on the 15th, and start again with cycle 3 on 2/20. Such fun!

Just have to keep chanting the mantra - this is a cure, not just a treatment, this is a cure.

I still need that personal assistant. Can't remember all of the stuff I need to do at work, at home, at other work, teaching other class, and at other work. Maybe I just need a mind control device? Something connected to my brain that jots things down for me and automatically crosses them off the list when they are done? That would be WAY cool.

Otherwise, I am forgetting far too many things. And doing others against some tight deadlines (meaning they aren't done until the last minute). Oh, well ... I am used to it. Downside of being a workaholic who can't say no and generally loves what they do, right?

It is getting late, so I will get to the Sux/Doesn't Suck portion of tonight's rant:

I am trying to be original, but falling short.

How about this - I suck for not writing more? Taking too many breaks? I know some of Kel's family reads this daily - or as daily as I write - so that they don't call Kel too often (btw, anyone can call as often as they like. If he is too tired to talk, he will let you know). So taking a few days off, I am sorry. Even if it is short and not insightful, I will try and write a quick note.

Things that don't suck - I am going to have to go with David. He has been really good this week - even the teachers at school are telling us that he has been excellent. His night teacher actually told me that when he stands up and takes a bow, which is adorable to watch, she has the whole class clap and say 'Good job David'. And for some reason since she has done that he has been a good listener, kept his hands to himself, everything. He still has a crazy amount of energy - but that is a 3.5 year old boy thing. He has mostly been good at home too, minus not wanting to go to bed tonight.

To summarize: I am on the 'sux' list (kind of like Santa's naughty list), and David is on the 'does not suck' list (Santa's nice list). Does this mean I have to get David more Chrismakah-esque presents?

To all a good night,
Tracy

Back from hiatus

I took a 3 day break. Nothing much happened, so not much to write about.

Today was the last chemo day of cycle 1 - a bleomycin day. We also met with the oncologist. Overall everything is going well for Kel. The oncologist was very happy with how he looked, how the pain had diminished, and even the fact that Kel's white blood cell counts are low since that means the chemo is the right dose (just have to watch out for infections - no problem with a 3.5 year old in preschool, right?).

On the whole, there aren't too many side effects thanks to the 'extra' care - nausea meds, etc. Today is actually the worst he has done. We got home from chemo/appt, after picking up David, at a little after 5pm. Kel sat down on the couch and almost immediately crashed. He has been up for a few minutes since, but almost 5 hours later he is in bed and this is the hardest the nausea has hit him. Hopefully he will feel better during the night, but right now he is pretty miserable.

This too shall pass, but poor Kel. :( Just have to remember - the meds are working, the tumor is shrinking, he is being cured as he feels like poo. That is too long for a mantra, though, need a better one.

Oh, and on the doc's scale, he is only down 7 lbs since his first visit - so good job eating junk these past 2 weeks to gain back 3 lbs! Except he hasn't eaten since lunch, so ... we will see tomorrow. Maybe he is down 3 more lbs again?

Second cycle starts next week, and pretty much mirrors this one, minus an appt with the urologist in the middle. Doc said that the first cycle is usually the worst, mainly because you don't know what to expect, and that while the fatigue may get progressively worse with each cycle, overall he doesn't think Kel's side effects will be too bad. That is good. He just gets to sleep for 9 out of every 21 days. ;)

Now if only I could get Saja to be that lacking in energy, we would be in better shape.

Nothing on my end - haven't lost it too much with David again, but with my teaching he isn't with me for a few nights, so that may help. He was good tonight - nice and quiet for Daddy (didn't hurt that we watched two Dinosaur Trains and one Cat in the Hat episode), and we did some drawing upstairs.

I have some work to do, but should be able to join the rest of the family soon in bed and asleep.

G'night,
Tracy

Happy weekend

Kel made it through his first work week!

Ok, so with the holiday on Monday and chemo on Tuesday, it may have been a little cheating to call it a work week, since he only worked 3 days, but they were 3 x 10 hr days. Probably better for him to ease back into work.

He is in a pretty decent amount of pain again. It may be from the sitting up at work, rather than the semi-reclining he had been doing at home, but his pain is definitely back more and he has to take the meds a bit more often again. That was the first thing he did when he got home from work tonight. :( Poor Superman.

This weekend doesn't have much planned. Kel will try to take David to karate class while I teach tomorrow morning. He gets to sit in the yummy bakery next to the dojo and enjoy their pastries - I am jealous! David will get to wear his gi for the second time - it is adorable. I will try to get Kel to take pictures and put on FB.

Another added bonus is that the 'controlled environment' of kicking and punching at the dojo may get David to stop doing that at home? Or am I dreaming?

Sunday David will get another playdate with his friend Doyoon (and Doyoon's mom Yoon!). It will be the 4th weekend in a row, and the boys play so well together. They are only a month apart, and used to go to daycare together before both Yoon and I changed their schools (clearly not to the same one). Doyoon and Yoon will be going back to Korea next week, and they will be gone for a month, and I know David will miss his Sundays with Doyoon for a while. :( They should be back after 5 weeks, and maybe we can have Doyoon come to our place for a playdate? We don't have the cool toys that he does though ... so much Star Wars!

Next week is another 'lighter' one for Kel with only one chemo day, and we will see his oncologist on the same day (Tuesday). Then that ends cycle 1 of 4. It will start repeating on 1/31. Fun, fun, fun ... or something.

I need to get some review in and then some sleep before teaching about the endocrine system in the a.m. I am going to have a bit of a rough time keeping all of the classes straight ... hopefully I won't try teaching bone stuff to my BIO202 class, or the circulatory system to my BIO101 class! I think I need a personal assistant to keep it all straight, and help take care of Kel. Know anyone who wants the job? The pay is terrible (just gratitude) and the hours are crap (24/7).

Hmmmm, what to choose - things that suck, or that don't suck? Kind of a blase day today, so not feeling much either way.

I went to ask Kel, and since he was playing with Saja, this is what I came up with:

Silly games with puppies don't suck - they are kind of funny to watch. Saja is a crazy ball of energy. A ridiculously crazy ball of massively destructive energy - just take a look at our massage chair, the holes in our couch, or our lack of lawn furniture cushions anymore (and while you are outside, please fill up the holes he is digging) - but just a pup. And he isn't dumb by any means, but he can be easily fooled by an arm moving under a blanket. The thinks this magic monster can jump all around the bed, and he just LOVES to pounce! It is a funny game, and the part that makes us laugh does not suck ... just have to watch out for him pouncing on you!

G'night,
Tracy

Night night, Superman

That is what David said to Daddy tonight. Probably didn't hurt that Daddy was wearing a superman t-shirt, but it was cute and right on the nose at the same time. Although I think Daddy looks more like Lex Luther with the bald head ...

Kel has been back at work for two days now on light duty. The first day was a training day for the hostage negotiator squad, and today was at the station on desk duty. He has been doing alright, although he is very tired by the end of the day, and in a bit of pain from not too comfortable chairs, but I think he is happy to be back at work and out of the house.

Last night was also my first night of teaching a 'live' course, so Kel had to take care of David ... in theory. David actually cooperated with Daddy and was such a terror at school that his punishment last night was dinner and then sent to his room by 5:30 (he was punching his teachers, scratching them, bit one of them, and knocked over another parent!). He probably went to sleep around 6:30 or 7, and was (mostly) out for the night! Knowledge of him being bad actually wears him out - maybe he fears the punishment? Not sure.

Tonight we made it to Applebee's to celebrate the 14 year thing, plus a few days. Kel had enough energy tonight, and he and David even got ColdStone after! Lucky fellas ... I had one of the 'under 550' calorie meals (as did Kel) and it wasn't too bad. I am definitely not on the Nutrisystem plan right now, but managing to do ok.

Not much else, just getting really busy. Teaching is getting into full swing with my third non-UA class starting on Saturday and I am working on writing papers, progress reports, managing students, projects, etc at UA. Lots going on, trying to take care of the house (which reminds me, I have laundry to do tonight), etc. But at least I got over the breaking point with David .. for now. :) So many people have made us dinners, and it has helped so much. The boys are being well-fed, and it is such a help to me to not have to cook every night and especially on teaching nights - thank you.

I am too cold tonight to be creative (could be the liter-plus of cold water I just drank ... ya think?), so nothing amazingly insightful. Looking forward to my father coming out in early February, although I am very sad I can't be there with him for 1/30 - the one year anniversary of my mother passing away from endometrial cancer. Hopefully Kel's mother will be here at the end of February (during my birthday week, actually, since that is a chemo week), and maybe his grandmother in March?

Going back to an oldie, but a goodie, as it nears the year anniversary for my mom ... Cancer Sux. All cancer sux. My mom was only 58 when she was diagnosed (on David's 1st birthday, actually), and made it through her 60th birthday before we lost her. I miss her terribly, and especially when I could use some 'mom' venting about David, or when I am sick and want my mommy, or every night when I sing to David because she used to sing in her terribly tone-deaf way. Dad - remember the 'porn' on the bus? (She forgot the words to the Wheels on the Bus, and on the verse that should have been the 'horn' on the bus, she decided it was porn).

And Cancer Sux in 2010 because it took the gentle giant Tahoe from us. She was the best 100-lb lap dog ever, and Kel and I both still use her name before we remember that she is gone and we have the Saja terror now. Tahoe wasn't even 10.

And Cancer Sux for Kel, who at 36 is actually a bit old to get testicular cancer. His spirit is high, and our hopes are up there too, but treatment is harsh and tiring for him. He is Superman to David, to me, and cancer will not get him. It is just his temporary cryptonite, making him more human like for now, and not indestructible.

So cold, and off to join Kel sleeping under the warm covers.

Goodnight,
Tracy