Thursday, January 27, 2011

I have a dream

No, not the Martin Luther King Jr kind - I am not that amazing.

To be more specific, I have had a recurring dream lately. And for some reason - and both Kel and I have noticed this - I (we) am (are) remembering my (our) dreams more vividly. This is not a hard one to figure out it's meaning, definitely no Freudian mind needed, but I thought I would share.

First, for those who know Kel, and not me per se, I have been doing martial arts and generally butt kicking for a while - a little over 10 years. That has diminished since adopting David, but I do still teach a self-defense course once in a while (including on this coming Saturday). This is relevant, I promise (well, not the Saturday bit).

In my dream I am being attacked by some unknown, unnamed assailant. Someone pretty strong. And they are beating me up. I think the 'how' varies - punching, strangling, something along those lines.

I try to fight back. I try my darned hardest to kick butt like I know how to do. And in real life I am pretty strong and a pretty good butt kicker. But in this dream, all I can do is basically b*$ch slap my attacker as I get my butt kicked. Hard. Nothing I do stops the attacks. I am completely ineffective and useless.

Like I said, not hard to figure this one out, right? Clearly the attacker is cancer - Kel's in particular, or Tahoe's, or mom's just to cover this past year, or all cancer ... your choice. And obviously I feel like I am doing nothing and getting no where despite any an all skills/knowledge I have. Clear as day, got it. But it is an exhausting dream! Really, I wake up spent from losing an imaginary fight that takes all I have.

I told Kel this dream tonight and he said to give my attacker a ox jaw to the throat. Not sure what that is, but I will see what I can do.

The last round of chemo for this first cycle REALLY knocked Kel for a loop. He had the exhaustion again - and like Christy commented the other day - the words 'fatigue' and 'exhaustion' just don't seem to encompass what chemo does. He probably slept for 15+ hours again, although on top of it this time he felt like he had the flu with aches and chills and the works. It was a little better by later yesterday afternoon, which was good because he had to watch David (or, at least supervise David playing on the iPad) while I taught.

Unfortunately with all of that sleeping during Tuesday night and most of Wednesday morning there was barely any sleep last night. But he went to work today (took yesterday off) and pushed through being tired. I think he is asleep now - I haven't checked on him too much (been working and trying to give him some peace and quiet). Hopefully he can reset his schedule.

Cycle 1 officially ends this weekend. Then he starts it all again on Monday. Cycle 2 will be chemo daily from 1/31 - 2/4, then again on the 8th and the 15th. See Ahmann again on the 15th, and start again with cycle 3 on 2/20. Such fun!

Just have to keep chanting the mantra - this is a cure, not just a treatment, this is a cure.

I still need that personal assistant. Can't remember all of the stuff I need to do at work, at home, at other work, teaching other class, and at other work. Maybe I just need a mind control device? Something connected to my brain that jots things down for me and automatically crosses them off the list when they are done? That would be WAY cool.

Otherwise, I am forgetting far too many things. And doing others against some tight deadlines (meaning they aren't done until the last minute). Oh, well ... I am used to it. Downside of being a workaholic who can't say no and generally loves what they do, right?

It is getting late, so I will get to the Sux/Doesn't Suck portion of tonight's rant:

I am trying to be original, but falling short.

How about this - I suck for not writing more? Taking too many breaks? I know some of Kel's family reads this daily - or as daily as I write - so that they don't call Kel too often (btw, anyone can call as often as they like. If he is too tired to talk, he will let you know). So taking a few days off, I am sorry. Even if it is short and not insightful, I will try and write a quick note.

Things that don't suck - I am going to have to go with David. He has been really good this week - even the teachers at school are telling us that he has been excellent. His night teacher actually told me that when he stands up and takes a bow, which is adorable to watch, she has the whole class clap and say 'Good job David'. And for some reason since she has done that he has been a good listener, kept his hands to himself, everything. He still has a crazy amount of energy - but that is a 3.5 year old boy thing. He has mostly been good at home too, minus not wanting to go to bed tonight.

To summarize: I am on the 'sux' list (kind of like Santa's naughty list), and David is on the 'does not suck' list (Santa's nice list). Does this mean I have to get David more Chrismakah-esque presents?

To all a good night,

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