Tuesday, February 22, 2011

All about Tracy post this am

This is all about me. I will write again tonight about Kel. Unsettling morning for me, so please bear with me as I vent.

Today, I officially threw in the towel.

I have to back up first, for you to fully understand. Kel and my road to David and having a family of more than 2 was a long one. We first had 3 miscarriages, years of infertility (on my part), drugs, procedures, etc, and to no avail. So we started the adoption process, and 1.5 years later had one of our best moments ever when we flew to Seoul, S. Korea and met David on 12/26/2007. It was great.

Over the next 3 years we weren't really trying for a family like before, but you never really stop trying either. It is always a possibility month in and month out. Everyone tells you stories of mystical couples they knew that had kids after adopting, or after they stopped trying. None of this is to diminish David - he is our SON, our child, our everything. A biological child would be no different, heck, we would even adopt again if we could (another long story there). But every month there was a glimmer of 'maybe'.

The day Kel went to his PCP with extreme back pain, I had my annual with my OB. She is a GREAT person. Her husband was actually the doc I went to through my drugs and treatments when we were trying. They are a great team, and as I left that Tuesday 12/28, she made a comment to me about 'You stop trying, we will get you pg yet.' Sweet.

We all know the next part - back and abdominal pain became known to us as metastatic testicular cancer. Curable, so let's go. Right before surgery they offered to "bank" for him for the future. We already knew I was pretty much unable to have kids, so this makes us even - no thanks. We are ok.

A month or so into all of this I realize - hey, if I can't get pregnant, why on earth am I going through monthly 'annoyances'? There is no reason for me to be in pain and go through it, so I made another appt with my great OB. Actually, I made two, since I arrived a day early for the first one a week and a half ago.

The appointment (remade) was this morning. The waiting room was dutifully fitted with pregnant women and me. And one young pg woman, which for some reason always sting the most. This is something that can really only be understood by others who have gone through the losses or infertility bit. It is probably a jealousy thing, but seeing pg people sometimes hurts. A lot. Reminds me of my failures, I guess (don't chastise me for this one, I am being honest here, not rational).

I just hold on to the almost 30-lbs lighter me with a great suit on (chosen partly by David) and awesome 4-inch stiletto shoes that I catch the pg woman eying. I may not be pregnant - but damn I can look good. ;)

So, ok, I get to the room, read a magazine and wait for Dr. Jenny. And while I wait, I hear some loud noises in the next room - an ultrasound being set up. It is normal, everyone else in the office is pg and want to see and hear their progress. Then my heart drops because in the next room I hear what I will never hear in person - a heartbeat.

Mine skips a beat.

Why did I have to be in this next room? To add insult to injury and just drive the stake in a little further? Ouch.

Dr. Jenny comes in, we talk, I fill out the paperwork and will get my resolution in another month or so. Gosh I hope when I go in again I won't have to hear another heartbeat.

I am at work now. Grabbed a chocolate scone with my coffee and going to forget about life's little stabs of pain in some delicious shortbread and ignore my diet for a few. Chocolate aids all.

Thanks for listening,


  1. ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

  2. Life is just testing your mettle - you still got it. Bear down, my friend...

  3. I am sorry (((T))) Sometimes, I wish we could transfer head knowledge to the heart and take away some of that pain, but it doesn't work that way. Sending lots of love,